Wednesday, October 8, 2008

God, does she ever stop talking about FOOD?

No, Internet, I do not. And since you brought it up, I thought we decided that you would NOT tell Josh how much crap I was giving him yesterday in this very blog?! And yet, this morning, there was a beetle in my coffee*.

I am so not speaking to you right now.

Okay let's make up. Because I am so peeved and I have to tell, well, everybody about it.

You know those yummy crackers that are at every cocktail party? The round Carrs Water Crackers (actually, I think they're called Table Water Crackers. What does it MEAN?) that are kind of pleasantly flavorless, the perfect vehicle for cheese and fruit and olive dips and bean dip and...mmmaaaahhhhhh....

Whoa, I just totally geeked out about appetizers**.

So Josh and I try to eat a whole grain diet at home. That means we favor honey or agave nectar over white sugar (other than in the ice cream - something has to separate us from the animals) and we buy no white flour - also known as wheat flour, enriched wheat flour, unbleached enriched wheat flour, "made with" whole grains, and probably a bunch of other pseudonyms, depending on the ingredient label. We buy 100% whole grain bread and pasta and brown rice, and do our best to avoid food with a lot of chemicals, sodium, or added sugar. All of these rules relax in restaurants - especially sushi and ramen, which are both made with white rice. But at home we try to behave.

Google "Glycemic Index" if you want ammunition for angry, superior comments about how we suck and make bad choices. Or, you know, for fun!

ANYWAY, one area in which this gets frustrating is snacks. Triscuits are great, but get boring fast. Whole grain corn chips are a big hit, but they're not a cracker. Enter Carr's: I love the Table Water Crackers (TWC?) so I got psyched when I found Carr's 100% Whole Wheat Crackers at the Commissary! They've been sitting in my pantry taunting me for almost 24 whole hours when tonight, I succumbed***.

The first sign of trouble was the appearance. These things are fully 1/4 inch thick, and they look like particle board. Not at all like the sleek, crispy, seductive appeal of the TWC. Oh no.

Still, whole grain food really hasn't let me down too often, so I grabbed a tub of tuna salad leftover from lunch and smeared a bunch onto a cracker. After the damn thing broke in my hand and I cleaned half of it off the counter, cabinet, and floor, I took a bite.

It is at this point that I will offer the warning label that would, if Mr. and/or Mrs. Carr had a SHRED of DECENCY, be printed on the box:

CAUTION: The crackers contained herein are, in fact, cookies.

This is a cracker made to be dipped in coffee and enjoyed at three in the afternoon, while reading or chatting with a friend. It would delight in the feel of peanut butter on its surface. Banana slices or apples would its perfect mates be. I lean close to the plastic sleeve and I swear I hear tiny cracker voices crying "Nutella! NUTELLA!"

Or are they saying "Not tuna?"

Because EW, Internet. Oh my God EW. I'll pause a moment so you can go eat tuna salad on an Oreo in solidarity.

See?

*Oh, it's just a figure of speech! And "baby fishmouth" is sweeping the nation.
**That's right, I am too lazy to Google the spelling of hors' d' oveureses'. Or as
June might say, horses' ovaries.
***Josh is lucky I didn't wake him up to tell this story directly. See baby? Blog GOOD.

2 comments:

Otenth Paderborn said...

I love those whole wheat Carr's. Of course, being English, Carr's would call them a biscuit if they were meant to be a cookie.

Although I agree that tuna salad is not the thing to put on a whole wheat Carr's, I wouldn't go so far as to say they are only good for sweets. I've had savories on them that were good. Not that I can remember what any of them were at the moment, so you can take that for what it's worth!

Kenneth

babyjenks said...

if only you'd asked, i could have told you that they are sweet crackers and not meant for savory yummies like tuna. they're great with tea. if you want a treat, smear some marscapone on them with raspberries.... but please, keep the tuna in the fridge.